Silent Quirks

I now know what the meaning of ‘depression’ is. A deep seeded feeling of unhappiness. I try so hard to avoid the feeling, but it still comes back to haunt me. When I am in that state of mind I feel helpless, and like nothing can get me out of it. It changes my mood entirely and I don’t know what to do. I have started medication, but what if that doesn’t help?

All I want for Christmas this year is Brandon. No matter how hard I try and forget about him, I can’t get him out of my head. We have been getting along well these last few weeks, and sometimes it seems like we engage in flirtatious behaviour/conversation, although I could be sadly mistaken. 

As the Christmas season is in full motion, I can’t help but want a special someone next to me for the holidays. Someone to walk with when the snow is delicately floating from the sky, and someone to cuddle with while watching movies on the cold wintery nights. If only that dream would become a reality, then my only Christmas wish would be granted. 

Why can’t that be me? The person who is happily in a relationship. Brandon seems like he could care less about me, and makes me feel as if I am not important. It sucks, because I was actually starting to become interested in him. I always was ever since we first kissed, but then with everything that has happened ever since then, I began to second guess myself. 

Then, during the last few days I started thinking about everything we have ever talked about when we have been alone, and realized that he was actually telling me things that he probably doesn’t tell most people. Like the fact that he secretly wants to design woman’s shoes and that it is a passion of his. 

I don’t know what to think anymore, because I don’t see him very often. I feel as if I should just leave it alone and forget all about him. I feel as if I should stop dwelling on the past and stop reminiscing about the time we have spent together and focus on new people. People that don’t even live in our residence, because they are all assholes. 

The only thing that gets me, is the fact that Brandon is my type. Physically he is my type because of the way that he dresses and his looks. When it comes to his personality, he is my type when we are alone. When we are alone he isn’t snarky or rude. He becomes a really sweet person that seems kind of shy and nervous. That’s the Brandon that I came to like, but the more time that I spend around him otherwise makes me like him less and less. 

I just really want someone who likes me for me and isn’t afraid to show it in front of other people. If only Wesley from Frogs actually texted me, because he seemed like a really cool guy.

I feel unsure about a lot of things, but mainly about Brandon. We kissed/made out again on Thursday, and I think that I am actually starting to develop real feelings for him. I think about him a lot, and lately I have been a little nervous around him as opposed to before when I was completely fine. Being at this point of believing that I may have feelings for him is terrifying. He doesn’t seem like he wants anything out of what is going on between us, besides the obvious. 

Every time I see him alone outside I just want to sit next to him and talk. Every time I am in the elevator with him, I just want to make out with him. The thing that holds me back is that I do not know how he feels. I don’t know if he wants to do the same. I don’t know if he wants me at all. I just want to feel wanted by someone. 

And on top of thinking about that like 24/7, I miss my family. A lot. I loved having Samantha here all weekend, and I wish I could do it all the time. At the end of the day, they will always be here for me, and they are the ones that have gotten me to this point in my life. I have them to thank for everything that I have and everything that I am. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUALb0sGdto

Maybe I should just ignore him.. Just because we hooked up doesn’t mean that we can be good friends. Maybe if I just didn’t talk to him as much he would be interested again. Why does he have to be so complicated? 

I don’t know what to think. I hooked up with this guy on Friday. Well it was basically Saturday morning, because it was like 6:30 in the morning. But that’s besides the point. There were five of us in my roommates room, and the two guys were drinking tea. Looking back on it now, I was making it pretty obvious that I wanted to hook up with him, because I had my legs resting across him, and my head on his shoulder. The odd girl out mentioned that she was fifth wheeling, and I thought it to be kind of true at the time. So anyways, I knew my roommate wanted to hook up with the other guy, so when the fifth wheel girl fell asleep on the floor, I convinced the guy I wanted to hook up with to switch rooms. I said that we should just let them see if there is anything between them because they seemed pretty flirty with one another. He sat on my bed, and I crawled into my bed and under the covers because I was cold. He slowly started to lay down sideways on my bed, and I played with his hair (I said it looked cool, and I wanted to touch it aha). Things kind of changed, and he put his arm over me, and I leaned in for a kiss (wtf, I always make the first move). He reciprocated and I don’t know how but he was on top of me, and we were making out. I am not exactly sure how long we were doing this, but I do remember that near the end of it (when I felt things were getting a little intense), I started saying “kay” and then we stopped. The whole making out thing was kind of a blur, but I do know that I had a hickey the next morning. We sort of just laid there, and kissed every once in a while, but I wouldn’t let him make out with me (don’t know why!). It was really sweet, and he kept cuddling with me, and didn’t leave until I was pretty much sleeping. I guess he wanted to stay, because he never mentioned wanting to go to sleep or anything at all. He never tried to make an excuse to leave. I either cuddled into him (resting my head on his chest) or he into me (spooning). He didn’t leave until 9 in the morning, and when I actually woke up, I was in the greatest mood ever. I thought about the way he looked at me (which was super cute), and how gentle and sweet our kisses were towards the end. I know it was only one hook up and it will probably never happen again, but I can’t help but wish it would. It was a little awkward the day after, and I tried to avoid him because I don’t know how to act normal after something happens of that kind. Then there was today, when he was with some other girl all day. I didn’t say much to him, and then when we saw one another later on when she wasn’t there, it felt as if we were flirting. Maybe there is some kind of mutual attraction between us, but I cannot be certain. He is a relatively good looking guy, and could have many different girls of his choice, so I cannot see him settling for someone like me. I sound insane even just saying all of this considering we have only hooked up once. We are not an item. We probably never will be. 

Does he like me, is the biggest question. I don’t know if it was just something that I overanalyzed as usual, or if it actually meant something. I was in Josh and Colin’s room with Lauren, Jake, Josh and Colin. Josh was sitting on his bed, and I asked if he would kill me if I sat on his bed. He replied with no, you can sit, it’s alright. A few minutes later I got up because he said he was going to go to sleep because he was super baked. He took his pants and sweater off, leaving him in his blue pinstriped boxers and white t-shirt. He looked mighty adorable. Anyways, he crawled into bed under the covers, and then I asked if it was alright if I sat back down again. He let me, and he asked if I thought his bed was comfy, and I said yes. To ensure I could see how comfy his bed was, I laid my head down, with my legs still dangling off the bed. His bed was indeed really comfortable. Then Lauren came over and wanted to lay down too, so I had to move in and up, so Josh was spooning me. My head was not at the same height as his though. After about a minute or so, and almost falling off the bed, Lauren decided to get up leaving just Josh and I still laying with one another. I had my eyes closed, but I could hear a bunch of whispering and then Jake asked Lauren if she wanted to go and smoke a B with him in his room. She declined at first, and then Jake convinced her. Before they left, they said for Colin to tag along. They left the room, and 10 seconds later someone came back and turned the light off. I asked Josh if everyone left, he said yes, and I said that’s cool. I asked him if he wanted me to leave as well and he replied with no, and something else, although I cannot quite remember what. I stayed and just lied there. I believe I said to him that if he wanted me to go I could, and he said no again. So he did seem like he wanted me to stay, but because I didn’t do anything within those minutes, he said he was going to start going to sleep. I said okay, and left. I walked out of his room and to the stairwell, and found Lauren, Jake and Colin standing there talking to one another. Jake looked shocked and asked why I left, and I said because he practically kicked me out. I said he wanted to go to bed after I just laid there. I asked him why they all left, and he said because he thought we were cute together and thought something would happen. 

I don’t know if I am reading too much into this, or if Josh was actually being really nice to me that night. He said that they are always happy to see me.

Did he actually want to hook up with me? Was he just being nice, and didn’t want to be rude by kicking me out of his bed? Did he have any motives? What were they whispering about? Did he tell them to leave the room? I am so confused right now!

Life does not seem as easy as people say it is. It is tough when you do not have someone to share it with. I would love to have a love that heals everything bad that I am feeling. Someone who I can tell everything to, and who will hug me for minutes on end just to be close. At the rate I have been going when it comes to guys, I will not be seeing this for a very long time, if ever. 

I don’t know what I am doing wrong, but I must be doing something. I guess I am a bit reserved when it comes to meeting new people, but that is something I cannot help. 

I feel like people could care less about how I feel. I try and help others when something is going on with them, but when it is noticeable that something is wrong with me, no one says a word. 

And all over a stupid boy. I do not like him in a more than friends kind of way, but it is just the way that he treats me. He constantly ignores me, and when he does acknowledge me, he does it in such a way that can only be described as “idontgiveafuckaboutwhatyousaybecauseihateyou”. He acts completely normal and goofy around everyone else, but as soon as I try and say something he changes. I do not know what I did to make it like this, but i must have done something. It really upsets me, because I constantly try and make others happy and when I cannot do so, I know I have done something wrong.